In preparation for Valentine’s Day, we had the privilege of sitting down with our Territorial Leaders, Colonels Stephen and Theresa Malins, to listen to their hearts, hear the story of how God brought them together, and glean wisdom shaped by more than four decades of marriage.
Forty-one years of marriage doesn’t always begin with fireworks. Sometimes, it begins with a firm “never.”
When the Colonels first met in the Eastern Cape Division, romance wasn’t something Colonel Theresa had in mind at all. Both come from officer families, and while friendly with each other, she was not romantically interested in him. In fact, she had already decided he was firmly in the “no” category. A little while later, however, while Colonel Stephen was doing military service and both their parents were appointed in Durban, something shifted. On Christmas Eve, he asked her out. This time, she said yes.
Letters followed, then visits when he came home on break. She was 18 when they began dating, 20 when they married; he was 23. They were married in Pretoria in 1985. Four decades later, Colonel Theresa reflects with a smile that the young man she once said “never” to became one of God’s clearest lessons in surrender. That early resistance has slowly changed into a life posture she now describes as, “Whatever, Lord.” Time and again, she has seen how beautifully His hand leads when we release our own firm grip.
That shared history has deeply shaped their understanding of what real love is. It isn’t simply a feeling, they explain. Feelings come and go. True love … the kind that lasts … is commitment. It is choosing to give 100% on both the good days and the hard ones. Not 40% hoping the other will carry 60%. Not confusing love with infatuation or exploration. Love is the decision to stay, to give, and to work, even when emotions are complicated.
That work begins with self-awareness. The Colonels believe one of the secrets to a marriage that thrives is asking, “What is it like to be on the other side of me?” Growth requires recognising personal flaws, noticing red flags in yourself, and doing the inner work. Alongside that is something Colonel Stephen still practices after forty years: curiosity. He is still learning what makes his wife tick – still asking why she thinks what she thinks and feels what she feels. In a world often curious about physical intimacy but not about the heart, they say lasting love requires the deeper curiosity of truly knowing and understanding one another.
Their advice to young people is simple but often overlooked: don’t just prepare for the wedding … prepare for the marriage. A single day receives months of wedding planning, yet the lifelong journey that follows can take couples by surprise. Notice how a person treats others. Pay attention to temper, to kindness, to respect. Don’t ignore red flags hoping marriage will change someone. And in every stage of dating, remember Whose you are. Let your relationship reflect Christ’s love, grace, and commitment.
Life, of course, gets busy. Leadership responsibilities and different personality styles could easily pull them apart. Instead, they speak about intentionality. Planned and sometimes stolen time together. Date nights without phones. Moments that say, “You still matter.” Yet they also emphasise awareness – recognising seasons when life crowds in and choosing, even spontaneously, to reconnect. Changing seasons of life can interfere, they admit, but covenant remains. Their marriage is not just between two people; it is “us and God.” In that covenant there is safety … a place where each knows they are chosen, valued, and not judged.
Forgiveness plays a central role in that safety for marriages to be healthy and strong. But forgiveness, they say gently, is not just words. It is a process that includes changed behaviour, honest conversation, and learning how the other hears love. Over time, they have learned each other’s emotional language. A simple “sorry” is not always enough; understanding why something hurt matters. It requires surrender – not defeat, but the white flag that says, “Let’s move forward together.” Learning another’s love language, like learning any language, takes effort, and a desire to learn and master the language.
Communication, too, is an art they are still practicing. Tone matters. Body language matters. Problems don’t disappear when buried; they grow. So they choose the sometimes uncomfortable path of talking things through, holding onto love and commitment even during difficult conversations.
One mistake they see often in couples is the tendency to avoid conflict or give up too quickly. Marriage, they remind us, is hard work – but worthwhile things always involve labour. In a world of quick exits and constant digital distraction, couples must learn the skills of staying, growing, and being truly present with one another. Phones can connect us to everyone except the person sitting right beside us, and so they encourage couples to be careful.
Looking back, their message to young people is hopeful and honest: don’t quit too quickly. Of course, this does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. The Colonels encourage couples to work at your relationship. Stay curious about each other and about God. Small affirmations, tender words, and expressions of affection keep intimacy alive.
Ultimately, they see marriage as a reflection … a glimpse of God’s love. They strongly state that the love they share is only a taste of His. That is why it must be guarded, nurtured, and continually brought back to Him. As they have learned over forty-one years, love is about daily surrender, ongoing commitment, growing curiosity, and the grace to keep choosing each other … every single day.
Beautiful, challenging and deeply inspiring…